5 Years

Well, the holidays are here again, soon it'll be Christmas...then it be New Year and then another year has gone by. Funny how something that happened so long ago still continue to haunt me till today. Sure, the wound's healed, but then the scar still remains and just like that ugly patch on my elbow (acquired in Pri 6 time...) it never goes away, probably never will. Its been 5 years now, never been better, but never been worse either, just...the same somehow. Still alone in the same way that I started, only older and much more cynical. 5 years later and I sit here wondering why the fuck am I still here and why the hell am I still alive...Truth is that though I've let go (well, what happened then was just my luck and an awful lot of stupidity from the 3 of us...), I never forgot. Never forgot the pain and the lesson learnt for one second. Sometimes I wonder why the hell is she the one having happiness now and why the hell does she deserve the happiness? But I know that the blame game is pointless, its 5 years already, move on. Yet, its precisely this that is blocking me. Somehow that part of me that dared to let someone else know that I like her is lost. I'm cautious, too cautious. Seems to me that the pain from that many years ago never went away at all, it just get repressed and submerged, only to strike again the moment my heart starts beating. It was innocent, it was pure, it was foolish and it was ripped to bits. All I can do now is pray that something or someone redeems me, cause frankly I'm kinda stuck. But I'm fortunate to say that I'm ok, still alive and in school, and I can feel my heart beating again, which is good. Now if I can just conquer that lingering pain and self doubt...