二十二, 22

Its 2006, so this year technically I'll be 22 years old already. Like the song by David Tao that goes, sometimes I really wish that I could return to the time when I was 12. It was so carefree then, no responsibilities, no worries and no responsibilities, even simple things like love were pure and uncomplicated. 10 years on, so much have changed. Been through NS, suppose to be a 'man' now. Grown up in other words. But have I? Now there is no more black and white, just shades of grey. Even love, simple uncomplicated and unconditional, has become jealous, demanding and conditional. Suddenly its frustrating and avoided for me now. Life got complicated, emotions get complicated. I can't even say why or how I feel anymore, for I live in fear. In fear of the knowledge of the consequences if I do so. Thats what age does, it numbs you and desensitizes you. Now I struggle to come to terms with myself on what I want and what I hope to achieve. People ask me what I want in a girl and my truthful answer is I don't know. I don't know where I am going, neither do I know where I will be next. Just when recently I felt I found a light, a sense of direction and a salvation from this, but the light fades as soon as I try to reach for it, like so many times before. Over the years after so many times, I get more and more cynical whether hope really is existent. Now, the world looks bleak..as usual