Good Times...Bad Times

I look back at the past 5 years out of my 21 or so. Time really does fly. The 5 years past have made a tremendous impact on me, just as those formative 4 years in VS did. College was good, college was bad. I had loads of fun in college, things like Orientation, being an OGL and playing stupid games. Class wasn't bad, though I really knew them only in Year 2. Made a lot of good friends that I still keep today, like Ruoting (a.k.a Rotting:-P) Yun2 Evina, Ryan, James, Shikin, Serene etc etc. I know the whole Samantha saga of ours in Year 1 was one helluva mess, but other than that slight blot in our copybook, the 2 years in college was good. It did make college memorable doesn't it. Now I look back and reminisce about the old times. Good or bad, they are now memories. Now I live everyday carrying the lessons of the two years in college and the 2 half in NS. People have come and gone in my life now. I've lost friends and then found them again. Some I've lost and never seen again, like Sadako. The only regret I really have is not being able to meet Samantha again and the three of us still be friends
and still be friends and hang out like old times. But that was so long ago...Sometimes I lie in my bed wondering what if...what if all that Samantha problem never happened? What if life was great and I proceed to score wonderfully in my 'A' Levels? What if I stayed on in Temasek? Would I still be so cynical and still a total failure today? One thing for sure, my friendship with Ryan wouldn't have existed without whatever that happened, and we are still learning the lessons and suffering from the consequences of our folly so many years ago...

Why the sudden flood of emotions again? Frankly, the recent weeks have left me emotionally rather fragile over the past few weeks. The breakup of another friend of mine doesn't really make me feel better, affirming my cynicism somewhat. Today is Valentine's Day, and being all 'grown ups' in NUS, you get the idea...Love is literally in the air and all over. But the lonliness inside me just leaves me cold towards towards such things. Whatever happened 5 years back have affected me in ways that I never had wanted. When I thought what I found was perfect the last few months, once again the ghost of the past had returned to haunt me for I see myself being plunged back into the same situation. Maybe its the lessons learnt that made me shut up about what I feel this time. Now I see them together in school, the feeling of 'what if' just creeps back into my mind now. I feel terrible, I feel like kicking myself if that is at all possible. Keeps me awake at night like today. My cynicism stemming from 5 years back is killing me now, because the fear of ( now a reality not an eventuality any more) losing her more than losing a friend is killing me inside. I can't really describe the sort of emotions anymore. I want to cry, but the tears had already been exhausted. I feel wetness in my eyes, yet nothing comes out no matter how I try. I lie in bed but can no longer sleep, nightmares plague my rest. For the 3rd time in 5 years, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Honestly I know I will survive, but everytime this happens I change in a manner not of my choosing or liking. Now I fear of what I'm about to change into. Will I be lifeless and souless, like a zombie without a soul but just can't rest in peace? I don't know...I hope not...

Damn, I am getting old!