5 Years

Well, the holidays are here again, soon it'll be Christmas...then it be New Year and then another year has gone by. Funny how something that happened so long ago still continue to haunt me till today. Sure, the wound's healed, but then the scar still remains and just like that ugly patch on my elbow (acquired in Pri 6 time...) it never goes away, probably never will. Its been 5 years now, never been better, but never been worse either, just...the same somehow. Still alone in the same way that I started, only older and much more cynical. 5 years later and I sit here wondering why the fuck am I still here and why the hell am I still alive...Truth is that though I've let go (well, what happened then was just my luck and an awful lot of stupidity from the 3 of us...), I never forgot. Never forgot the pain and the lesson learnt for one second. Sometimes I wonder why the hell is she the one having happiness now and why the hell does she deserve the happiness? But I know that the blame game is pointless, its 5 years already, move on. Yet, its precisely this that is blocking me. Somehow that part of me that dared to let someone else know that I like her is lost. I'm cautious, too cautious. Seems to me that the pain from that many years ago never went away at all, it just get repressed and submerged, only to strike again the moment my heart starts beating. It was innocent, it was pure, it was foolish and it was ripped to bits. All I can do now is pray that something or someone redeems me, cause frankly I'm kinda stuck. But I'm fortunate to say that I'm ok, still alive and in school, and I can feel my heart beating again, which is good. Now if I can just conquer that lingering pain and self doubt...

Within, yet Without

Yup, I know the title is pretty pointless, but give me some time to explain. Well, lets see where do I begin...oh yes, one semester has gone already. So far had gone through yet another rollercoaster again...me and my bad habits of using my brain over my heart too much sometimes...(Do I even have one left? I thought its been shred long time ago...)Like all the other people I have around me, I am still as confused as ever even though I don't look so. Yes, I know I get my results, and I know that I seem to know what I want and where I am going...But do I? Somehow I just seem to stand apart from the rest of the people in school. Yes I am in school and yes I have made friends in school, but yet I still feel so...detached from school...detached from the people, detached from the school, detached from the rest of society, and detached from the rest of the world. I rest alone, I eat alone, I study alone and I am just...well alone. Yah, I know I am ungrateful to say this when my old college friends in school are with me often enough in school, yet I just feel so...strange and lost. Its like I'm within yet without...at the same time. Nevermind that I've got to know more people...but are they friends? I still can't quite figure this out, probably because I'm already weary of the vagaries of human relationships, not just between man and woman but also between friends...Guess thats why they say growing up means losing your innocence (not losing your virginity damnit, some lose it without growing up at all...) Hope to me seems further than ever, though there's light at the end of the tunnel, I know I still got a long way to go. Guess I'll just have to walk on and find out...