True Love...

Strange how things hit me these days especially after I made real cynical remarks about love to a friend the day before. It happened this morning in the train. This couple got on at one of the early train stations along the line. The guy was your usual late 20s fella, T Shirt jeans and everything. The wife was again ordinary...(I said husband and wife because they both got that plain ring they use at ROM on their ring fingers...)But they were anything but ordinary to me.

What struck me at first was something weird about the guy....his right eye seems strange, sunken and not moving at all. I thought to myself Hey that's rather strange....Then it dawned on me that it was really a glass eye...The wife looked at him, looking very much in love, and gently she brushed his face under the eye to get rid of dirt and they were holding hands on the train. When it came for them to get off, the wife took out 2 farecards and they walked off onto the platform into the distance...

In all my cynicism of love, I felt the fragility of human relations. It really does come and go so quickly...When I saw the couple, I felt ridiculed by God (I'm not Christian ok...but just agnostic)...just when my cynicism gets deeper does He come along and remind me of something...something that all of us will say at some point but so frequently forgot to do so: ' In sickness and In health'. Those two people really made me think hard, cause not only did I see love in this world, but I really wonder whether I can find that love for me. For now, my cynicism has been lessened somewhat by what I saw today, and I'll never forget for quite sometime...

Helpless and Hopeless

Well, maybe this is the last time that I write of you in the blog, unless a miracle occurs...I don't wanna really write this but I felt that at least I need to account to myself. You see, I realised that I should give up on you when I realised one thing, I really can't offer you anything...Love? Naive, you live in a world full of love. Care and attention, ditto above. You have people all around you who have all these that I thought I can give, but I was naive. I'm not very smart, nor am I handsome or anything. I got not much cash nor car. I am not able to be there for you because some other people around you will catch you before I do. You see, in your life I am all but superflous. It doesn't matter whether I'm there or not frankly and I realise that. I am a blot in your perfect copybook so to speak, I never should have even befriended you if I had known what would happen to me now. Pain is superficial, but then it really hurts like hell. But I am going to bear it just as I've done before, to keep searching for that one thing that has eluded me for at least ...years....But I really liked you, just that all I have to give is well...nothing that you need

To H.M...or should I say W.M

二十二, 22

Its 2006, so this year technically I'll be 22 years old already. Like the song by David Tao that goes, sometimes I really wish that I could return to the time when I was 12. It was so carefree then, no responsibilities, no worries and no responsibilities, even simple things like love were pure and uncomplicated. 10 years on, so much have changed. Been through NS, suppose to be a 'man' now. Grown up in other words. But have I? Now there is no more black and white, just shades of grey. Even love, simple uncomplicated and unconditional, has become jealous, demanding and conditional. Suddenly its frustrating and avoided for me now. Life got complicated, emotions get complicated. I can't even say why or how I feel anymore, for I live in fear. In fear of the knowledge of the consequences if I do so. Thats what age does, it numbs you and desensitizes you. Now I struggle to come to terms with myself on what I want and what I hope to achieve. People ask me what I want in a girl and my truthful answer is I don't know. I don't know where I am going, neither do I know where I will be next. Just when recently I felt I found a light, a sense of direction and a salvation from this, but the light fades as soon as I try to reach for it, like so many times before. Over the years after so many times, I get more and more cynical whether hope really is existent. Now, the world looks bleak..as usual

End of The Road: All the Best to You

I guess the end has came for me I guess...After the lecture today when I saw you, it finally became clear to me what I have to do. I may appear indifferent to you, thus now you do the same. It pains me but I guess I have to do this. Now my withdrawal from your life is complete, I am invisible to you. I wish I can tell you what I know, its not that I don't care, because I can't do so. If I really let myself go and follow my heart, whatever feelings I have for you will drown me. I care too much to put into words, satisfied to be in your shadows and hopefully catch you when you fall. But my indifference to you made you fall the other way. My indifference is not that I don't care, its just that I don't know how to show you that I care. You are blessed, always surrounded and never lonely. I am nothing but someone out of the corner of your eyes. My indifference is when I realised that you'll never accept me, thereafter I retreated into the security of my self. As plans went, this went perfectly as soon things went...strange between us, like we never have had any friendship in the first place. Now I see you around with T, even if you may or may not have anything with him, I look with fatalistic resignation. Its life I guess, you have brought me light and warmth in my dark hours, and I thank you for that. I don't know why and when I suddenly began to feel for you, maybe its just your smile, maybe its the personality that I see in you, I don't know honestly. I did lie when I said you look cute in a skirt, because you look cute in anything and frankly I don't care what you look coz I know your care is all that I need. But in the end, I don't know the real you do I? I pray for your happiness and wish you all the best. May you find lasting happiness.

Spin

Artist: Lifehouse
Album: Stanley Climbfall

Why would I chase your shadow all my life
And be afraid of my own?
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
You and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I'm not sure
about anything
But you wouldn't have it any other way

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
You and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Spinning turning watching burning
All my life has found its meaning
Walking crawling climbing falling
All my life has found its meaning

You and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
You and I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Old Habits...

So here I am drinking whiskey coke at 1 am in the morning trying my darndest best to try to sleep, and I fail miserably...Basically I wimped and turned to drinking again to try to ease my pains...Damn, I am a wimp...but really sometimes its painful, my existence that is...Life is a living nightmare with stuff that I don't want to see, and when I sleep I usually dream of stuff I don't wanna dream. So basically the alcohol is to ensure that I sleep but don't dream so at least I can get respite from a miserable life...sounds flawed...I think so too...

Words

The following bit is pinched from the lyrics of Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls (Album is Gutterflowers and City of Angels OST), but they describe what I am feeling right now I guess...

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

(break and solo)

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

The Final Straw that Broke my back a.k.a Me the Camel

Somehow, when I saw you today in the lecture I knew that it was the final straw....I was sitting on the side of the LT. You came in with J(that gal friend of yours) and took a seat about 5 seats away from mine. When I saw you, I was hoping desperately that you'll see me and come sit near me...but no...and I laugh hysterically, almost maniacally (softly of course, it was in an LT) to myself at the irony of it all....Then you reserved a seat and after a while T came (well T was that other VS fella that I talked about) and the image stuck....In that instant I knew what I have to do...I know you may ridicule me but little things like that do matter to me. The irony is that with you the situation is always like that...at times I feel you so near that I can almost feel you but now you are so near yet so far away from me, just that we are not really fated I guess...I guess I have no chance with you anymore...After the lecture I walked out. I turned and had a final look at you and T walking outta the lecture...Final look, because from now on I will never look at you the same way again. I can't. So pardon me for what I am about to do, cause I'm gonna ignore you...I pray that you won't feel a thing when I get outta your life because I realised that I can never treat you as a friend any longer. I care too much to do so. Damn the friendship, because its getting painful for me to be friends with you. The way I laughed at myself when I saw that T was the one you reserved the seat for, never mind your motives at all, were not laughter of joy, its the laughter of realization and pain (yes, I am odd, I laugh when I feel pain, but really I only do that when its really extremely painful for me believe me...I guess its just an expression for me to stay strong and not break down in public I guess), made me realise what I should do. Why torture myself when even innocent little things you do can cause me pain even when you don't mean a thing? I care too much and its time to rein in those feelings I guess. So here I am at Starbucks writing this over a cup of Latte and thinking about the last few entries I wrote of you and thought about my chances with you now...I'm too late ain't I? Only got myself to blame...I'm a bloody camel now...a joke.

Confession

Okay, I am anal retentive about relationships...satisfied?